Steps to success!

After almost a year of not being able to run (10 months to be exact) I am pleased to say I am back at it!!!!! I am back on the treadmill. My goal is to run until the treadmill kicks me off (65 minutes total) and increase my distance every time I run. I’ve ran twice now. I’m hoping to run three times a week!

I’ve already made progress which is awesome! It feels amazing to be running again. I don’t honestly know if I’ll run today since I’m feeling lazy and I’ve already finished my workout. I’ve started Insanity Max which I love!! I’m hopeful I’ll have as much progress with that as I did with Insanity. I’ll hopefully have progress to report.  But next week I will run 3 times and I am excited  to see how far I run. I will get better and better!
Life is good right now!!!

1 pound up 77 to go
– run JKO run 

Backwards is not a good direction

I will be honest I feel like life is supposed to be all gumdrops and roses but let’s be real it’s not that way unless we go to the store and buy them ourselves!!!! My weight struggle has been just that a fucking struggle. I finally decided I needed a second pair of jeans because I’m starting a new job and new work clothes are fun. Well I didn’t try on many things because I hate shopping but I found these jeans and they were on clearance. 
I really thought oh they’ll be a little big and that’s ok they will be good until I get my first check and can actually create a clothing budget. Imagine my gut wrenching surprise when they were snug. Truth be told they are a different cut then I normally buy but really not enough to justify them not staying on!

I feel like I’ve moved backwards, they call it a backslide but damn it’s like I hopped on a Raging Waters slide and am flying in the air desperately holding onto my bikini to make sure it doesn’t fly off. However, I feel as much embarrassment as I would if the bikini slid off in my landing and I popped up topless. So I sit here staring at the size 16 feeling like a topless teen. Embarrassed. Devastated. Ashamed. And yet here I am reminding myself to stand tall. 
The jean size might be back my starting point four years ago, but they aren’t the original 18/20 that I was when I was my heaviest. My best friend reminded me that you need to dress the body you have. To love who you are and to be comfortable daily.  I’m embarrassed I had to be reminded. So I put these pants on one leg at a time and try to find a belt to keep them up because at 37 no one needs to see my lace “secret”.  
Life is too short to define yourself by a damn number printed on fabric. Yes I’m still working on losing my 76 pounds and I will continue to strive to be fit but I am one step closer to figuring out my why. Understanding this journey does finally have doors and I’m getting closer to one!
1 pound up 77 to go

– run JKO run

Can you see the good?

JKO deep thought of the day:

I wish people would recognize that you can support someone/something without spending your time tearing the opposing person/thought down. Three examples:

Hilary Clinton and her statement about “positive gangs”. As someone who has spent over 5 years working in/with the juvenile justice system I really have to say as “lame” as the term is she has a point. Kids search for things. Kids want to belong, they want to connect. I hear it all the time. Unfortunately, families are not Leave it to Beaver and parents have to work and often are over scheduled themselves. Kids struggle with making friends, just like you as an adult struggle and they don’t have bars to go to. Gangs provide a connection for them. Let’s be real sports, clubs, organizations and church all also provide that. However, gangs are easier for kids to step into especially depending on where they live. We need to help our kids join positive groups so that they have those needs fulfilled. So mock her “positive gangs” comment or realize that you know she has a point, and our kids are struggling and need something!

Trump and his statement about “making America great again!” Do you remember when America was great? When we ranked in the top 10 for education. Where our children respected their elders and elders guided and shaped the hearts and minds of our children. When our economy was strong. When being a soldier granted immediate respect and everyone realized the sacrifice that was made for them to serve. Where flying the American Flag didn’t only happen 3 times a year where we did it every day with pride. Do you remember this? Where even though people didn’t necessarily vote for the president they respected him because they honored our country! Yes Trump has implied/stated other things that seem outlandish to some but the statement in itself is beautiful. I want future generations to know why people risked their lives to flee to America and what our founding fathers built for us to be proud about. Where it was the land of opportunity, not just the land of student loan debt, poverty, anger, hate, entitlement, lack of common sense, gluttony, and just your lack of kindness to your neighbor. I think everyone can agree we all want America to be great again!

The statement that causes much controversy #blacklivesmatter. Everyone is so up in arms about it! No, it’s #bluelivesmatter. No it’s #ALLlivesmatter. The #BLM movement is not by any means meant to say that other lives don’t matter. Which is what everyone, myself included, thought. Think about it. When I say #ilovemyhusband, does that mean that I don’t love anyone else? NO! That means my focus is my husband because that’s what needs attention. There is nothing that is excluding in that statement, that is our own personification of what we believe, hell it’s projection at its finest. What people fail to realize is that having pride can’t just happen when someone is tragically shot. It needs to happen when someone succeeds, when someone struggles, and when someone is just mediocre. We all get complacent and forget that we still live in a country where there is a need to focus on one thing. Some days it’s #BLM, some days it’s transgender rights, some days it’s the right to bear arms, and some days it’s just the right to be a republican or a democrat. It’s ok for you to believe that all lives matter but that doesn’t allow you to tear down the idea that black lives matter. It is not exclusive, it is just a focus. If you looked at this through the eyes of love and know that, yes there are bad apples in the movement, but the movement itself is a beautiful one you would be much more apt to understand and be less angry. Remember any sane person will act a fool when a part of a mob, there have been studies done on it. That does not mean everyone supporting the black lives movement does not support their men and women in blue. Just like supporting your men and women in blue does not mean you do not support black lives. There is no one blanket statement that can be said for an entire group of people. We are individuals remember that. We fought to have our rights, some days we must continue to fight. Remember though, violence does not beget violence. Fight the mob mentality and think for yourself! I look forward to the day where we have pride in our country again and band together to know that in fact American lives matter, and that is the only focus we need. I might never see that in my time, but it is a dream.

I don’t mean to get all JFK conspiracy theory on you but did anyone notice that when Trump was under fire Clinton and her email scandal popped up. Then when Clinton was under fire the tragic death of Alton Sterling happened. Then when people became enraged at the death of Alton Sterling the tragic death of five Dallas police officers.

We live in an era of distraction and deflection. Where the media creates a “cloud” to fog the reality of what’s happening. Where we are continually divided and as Abraham Lincoln stated, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” You can listen with respect of another’s opinions/feelings without bashing them. You are allowed to see the positive in someone else and/or other things without sacrificing your own beliefs. We are able to be a great country again where we don’t spend so much time competing/killing/tearing each other down where instead we are lifting one another up. Simply put is truly is possible to, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Because as it is said, “No other commandment is greater than these.” (Mark 12:31)

The lies we tell ourself

I love working three jobs. 

I just don’t have time for self care but that’s ok.  

We’re really not struggling. We’re learning what we need to learn in our relationship. 

I am grateful for my struggles. My past shaped who I am. 

I’m fine. No really I am. 

I’m good. Life is always a blessing. I’m excited about my struggles

I’m happy I didn’t get the job. It’s given me time to learn more. 

I was meeting with a client and when I asked about her current struggle she said, “We just pretend it’s not happening.” I was intrigued and dug deeper and realized her and her family used positive affirmations a lot and she internalized it as pretending the bad isn’t happening. That they were all lying and wouldn’t face the truth. 

This really hit me. Me, the Mary Poppins of the group, can find a positive in every single situation. I’m not kidding I can. It annoys most and impresses many. It’s not something I even try to do. It’s what my dad beat into me over and over again. Not literally of course but by modeling and constant correction. 

My mom left and my sister, brother and I moved in with my sister and brother’s side of the family. That wasn’t something that was super shitty it was a “time to get to connect with that side of the family and continue to grow up with my siblings.” 

My heart was broken and it wasn’t let’s bash on the dude who broke my heart it was, “Jamie, he’s just a shadow of what’s to come. Look at what God taught you.”
I’ve moved 77 times. That’s not super unstable that’s “flexible and able to welcome and embrace change”.

Over and over I have, what the therapist in me, calls positively reframed something. I could give you thousands of examples of how I put a positive spin on something. Or as my client said how I lie to myself to make myself feel better. 

As we know I’ve been struggling with my weight. Less of a struggle more of a losing battle because I haven’t done anything different. Remember the definition of insanity, “Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results”. I’ve been so busy with life that my huge commitment truly fell to the side. Which I said, “Well it’s ok I haven’t gained any weight (lie) and I will make time in the summer (lie…my summer has been busier than the school year).” Well last month I finally got news back on what was wrong with my knee, the big A, arthritis. Like seriously who the hell gets arthritis in your knee at 36? A football player maybe? Nope Jamieko. And when I asked the doctor if it was because I was fat she looked at me and clearly contemplated what to say gently. She looked away took a deep breath, shrugged her shoulders, tilted her head and said, “Well Jamieko, simply put yes. Your body wasn’t built to handle the weight…..” I stopped listening. 

As if being the heaviest I’ve been in a long time (234.0) isn’t bad enough??? My dear friend who’s a nurse told me, “Then he’s an asshole. Joints hurt when they have to do more work or carry more weight, but it doesn’t matter. Arthritis sucks.” It’s amazing how I’ve really encouraged everyone to lie. My husband has become almost an expert at the positive reframe. I’m proud. Most of my friends struggle but every now and then I get someone who is even better than myself at the lie. I didn’t have the heart to tell my friend you realize you said the same thing the doctor did? I have arthritis because my body is working harder. It’s working harder because I’m so heavy.

I talked it over with my dad. Well let’s be honest it was more me in a blubbering mess as he listened. I didn’t take it well. For the first time I felt fat and I had done my body wrong! I cried alone. I judged myself via text to my best friend. I then put my big girl panties on and reframed the shit out of it. Then when my husband got home I talked it out with him. These were the insights and reframe I came to. 

1. There’s not a tear. So that’s huge! It might never get better but I don’t have to have surgery. 

2. This is just encouragement to continue to fight to lose weight. 

3. The doctor told me I could start running again. In fact any weight bearing exercise possible. I love running and am excited about this! (I might get a second opinion about this but I’m excited!)

4. Proves I’m not crazy. I do hurt more on days I don’t work out or move. So I have to get at least 30 min of exercise in every day. Which of course is perfect!

5. It humbles me and makes me take ownership of what has happened to my health and I have the power to change. 

6. I will have to see my personal doctor (I was meeting with a workmans comp doctor) and get a second opinion and really create a plan with David and make this shit move quicker. I don’t like pain so I need to take care of me!

7. Most important this proves that I continue to put others first and that I have continued to be “fat”. I started seeing this doctor in March and haven’t lost any weight! (In fact I might have gained as of today). It is clear there’s something I’m running from and I subconsciously am benefitting from staying this way… I need to figure out what so I can change!

So here I am 12 days away from being 37 and I am almost one pound heavier than I started this journey and officially have arthritis. Which translates to, it’s almost my birthday and I am empowered to make change and really work on making my health a priority. I’m ok with this lie. If I didn’t lie I’d probably be stuck in the depressed, angry, hopeless version of Jamieko. Which lets be real, isn’t pretty and doesn’t encourage positive change!

It might be lying. But I’d rather be positive Jamieko, The Mary Poppins of the group lifting everyone up, including myself, than any other version! Here’s to the next the next lie! Another step closer to being the whole version of me. 

1 lb up 77 to go 
-run JKO run