I love working three jobs.
I just don’t have time for self care but that’s ok.
We’re really not struggling. We’re learning what we need to learn in our relationship.
I am grateful for my struggles. My past shaped who I am.
I’m fine. No really I am.
I’m good. Life is always a blessing. I’m excited about my struggles
I’m happy I didn’t get the job. It’s given me time to learn more.
I was meeting with a client and when I asked about her current struggle she said, “We just pretend it’s not happening.” I was intrigued and dug deeper and realized her and her family used positive affirmations a lot and she internalized it as pretending the bad isn’t happening. That they were all lying and wouldn’t face the truth.
This really hit me. Me, the Mary Poppins of the group, can find a positive in every single situation. I’m not kidding I can. It annoys most and impresses many. It’s not something I even try to do. It’s what my dad beat into me over and over again. Not literally of course but by modeling and constant correction.
My mom left and my sister, brother and I moved in with my sister and brother’s side of the family. That wasn’t something that was super shitty it was a “time to get to connect with that side of the family and continue to grow up with my siblings.”
My heart was broken and it wasn’t let’s bash on the dude who broke my heart it was, “Jamie, he’s just a shadow of what’s to come. Look at what God taught you.”
I’ve moved 77 times. That’s not super unstable that’s “flexible and able to welcome and embrace change”.
Over and over I have, what the therapist in me, calls positively reframed something. I could give you thousands of examples of how I put a positive spin on something. Or as my client said how I lie to myself to make myself feel better.
As we know I’ve been struggling with my weight. Less of a struggle more of a losing battle because I haven’t done anything different. Remember the definition of insanity, “Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results”. I’ve been so busy with life that my huge commitment truly fell to the side. Which I said, “Well it’s ok I haven’t gained any weight (lie) and I will make time in the summer (lie…my summer has been busier than the school year).” Well last month I finally got news back on what was wrong with my knee, the big A, arthritis. Like seriously who the hell gets arthritis in your knee at 36? A football player maybe? Nope Jamieko. And when I asked the doctor if it was because I was fat she looked at me and clearly contemplated what to say gently. She looked away took a deep breath, shrugged her shoulders, tilted her head and said, “Well Jamieko, simply put yes. Your body wasn’t built to handle the weight…..” I stopped listening.
As if being the heaviest I’ve been in a long time (234.0) isn’t bad enough??? My dear friend who’s a nurse told me, “Then he’s an asshole. Joints hurt when they have to do more work or carry more weight, but it doesn’t matter. Arthritis sucks.” It’s amazing how I’ve really encouraged everyone to lie. My husband has become almost an expert at the positive reframe. I’m proud. Most of my friends struggle but every now and then I get someone who is even better than myself at the lie. I didn’t have the heart to tell my friend you realize you said the same thing the doctor did? I have arthritis because my body is working harder. It’s working harder because I’m so heavy.
I talked it over with my dad. Well let’s be honest it was more me in a blubbering mess as he listened. I didn’t take it well. For the first time I felt fat and I had done my body wrong! I cried alone. I judged myself via text to my best friend. I then put my big girl panties on and reframed the shit out of it. Then when my husband got home I talked it out with him. These were the insights and reframe I came to.
1. There’s not a tear. So that’s huge! It might never get better but I don’t have to have surgery.
2. This is just encouragement to continue to fight to lose weight.
3. The doctor told me I could start running again. In fact any weight bearing exercise possible. I love running and am excited about this! (I might get a second opinion about this but I’m excited!)
4. Proves I’m not crazy. I do hurt more on days I don’t work out or move. So I have to get at least 30 min of exercise in every day. Which of course is perfect!
5. It humbles me and makes me take ownership of what has happened to my health and I have the power to change.
6. I will have to see my personal doctor (I was meeting with a workmans comp doctor) and get a second opinion and really create a plan with David and make this shit move quicker. I don’t like pain so I need to take care of me!
7. Most important this proves that I continue to put others first and that I have continued to be “fat”. I started seeing this doctor in March and haven’t lost any weight! (In fact I might have gained as of today). It is clear there’s something I’m running from and I subconsciously am benefitting from staying this way… I need to figure out what so I can change!
So here I am 12 days away from being 37 and I am almost one pound heavier than I started this journey and officially have arthritis. Which translates to, it’s almost my birthday and I am empowered to make change and really work on making my health a priority. I’m ok with this lie. If I didn’t lie I’d probably be stuck in the depressed, angry, hopeless version of Jamieko. Which lets be real, isn’t pretty and doesn’t encourage positive change!
It might be lying. But I’d rather be positive Jamieko, The Mary Poppins of the group lifting everyone up, including myself, than any other version! Here’s to the next the next lie! Another step closer to being the whole version of me.
1 lb up 77 to go
-run JKO run