What Matters Most

What matters most to me right now is that I’m pissed off and sad. I don’t like all of these people talking to me, touching me, trying desperately to connect with me in what feels disgenuine. That conversation that is only there to fill the air because the fear of silence is uneasy for them. 

The need to touch me lovingly angers me as if the only way people can connect is through touch. In fact my personal bubble needs an invitation! An invitation that seems to be falsely engraved in my smile. My RBF (resting bitch face) seems to only draw people in more. 

I feel like my exhaustion of peopling isn’t being respected in a room full of 50 potentially grieving people. 

That noise! That fucking noise!? Who the hell leaves their cell phone on at an event about grief??? Incessant beep then chime, whatever it is it pisses me off. 

What matters to me most is I’m angry. I don’t get to be the angry one because I’m the nice one. I’m the loving one. I’m the empathetic one. Tonight, tonight I want to be the angry one. The one who when you speak my skin crawls. The one who actually wants to punch you in the face with a brick!

What matters to me most is I’m livid. Being angry shuts down the tears. The sniffle and the tears and the pulling of tissues that fills the air. The grief that envelopes the air is suffocating me. 

Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! PLEASE SHUT UP!!! I wish they could hear me scream so I could finally hear silence. 

What matters to me most is silence and solitude. Tonight I want the anger to end. Tonight I want the pain to end. Tonight I want silence. 


Can you see the good?

JKO deep thought of the day:

I wish people would recognize that you can support someone/something without spending your time tearing the opposing person/thought down. Three examples:

Hilary Clinton and her statement about “positive gangs”. As someone who has spent over 5 years working in/with the juvenile justice system I really have to say as “lame” as the term is she has a point. Kids search for things. Kids want to belong, they want to connect. I hear it all the time. Unfortunately, families are not Leave it to Beaver and parents have to work and often are over scheduled themselves. Kids struggle with making friends, just like you as an adult struggle and they don’t have bars to go to. Gangs provide a connection for them. Let’s be real sports, clubs, organizations and church all also provide that. However, gangs are easier for kids to step into especially depending on where they live. We need to help our kids join positive groups so that they have those needs fulfilled. So mock her “positive gangs” comment or realize that you know she has a point, and our kids are struggling and need something!

Trump and his statement about “making America great again!” Do you remember when America was great? When we ranked in the top 10 for education. Where our children respected their elders and elders guided and shaped the hearts and minds of our children. When our economy was strong. When being a soldier granted immediate respect and everyone realized the sacrifice that was made for them to serve. Where flying the American Flag didn’t only happen 3 times a year where we did it every day with pride. Do you remember this? Where even though people didn’t necessarily vote for the president they respected him because they honored our country! Yes Trump has implied/stated other things that seem outlandish to some but the statement in itself is beautiful. I want future generations to know why people risked their lives to flee to America and what our founding fathers built for us to be proud about. Where it was the land of opportunity, not just the land of student loan debt, poverty, anger, hate, entitlement, lack of common sense, gluttony, and just your lack of kindness to your neighbor. I think everyone can agree we all want America to be great again!

The statement that causes much controversy #blacklivesmatter. Everyone is so up in arms about it! No, it’s #bluelivesmatter. No it’s #ALLlivesmatter. The #BLM movement is not by any means meant to say that other lives don’t matter. Which is what everyone, myself included, thought. Think about it. When I say #ilovemyhusband, does that mean that I don’t love anyone else? NO! That means my focus is my husband because that’s what needs attention. There is nothing that is excluding in that statement, that is our own personification of what we believe, hell it’s projection at its finest. What people fail to realize is that having pride can’t just happen when someone is tragically shot. It needs to happen when someone succeeds, when someone struggles, and when someone is just mediocre. We all get complacent and forget that we still live in a country where there is a need to focus on one thing. Some days it’s #BLM, some days it’s transgender rights, some days it’s the right to bear arms, and some days it’s just the right to be a republican or a democrat. It’s ok for you to believe that all lives matter but that doesn’t allow you to tear down the idea that black lives matter. It is not exclusive, it is just a focus. If you looked at this through the eyes of love and know that, yes there are bad apples in the movement, but the movement itself is a beautiful one you would be much more apt to understand and be less angry. Remember any sane person will act a fool when a part of a mob, there have been studies done on it. That does not mean everyone supporting the black lives movement does not support their men and women in blue. Just like supporting your men and women in blue does not mean you do not support black lives. There is no one blanket statement that can be said for an entire group of people. We are individuals remember that. We fought to have our rights, some days we must continue to fight. Remember though, violence does not beget violence. Fight the mob mentality and think for yourself! I look forward to the day where we have pride in our country again and band together to know that in fact American lives matter, and that is the only focus we need. I might never see that in my time, but it is a dream.

I don’t mean to get all JFK conspiracy theory on you but did anyone notice that when Trump was under fire Clinton and her email scandal popped up. Then when Clinton was under fire the tragic death of Alton Sterling happened. Then when people became enraged at the death of Alton Sterling the tragic death of five Dallas police officers.

We live in an era of distraction and deflection. Where the media creates a “cloud” to fog the reality of what’s happening. Where we are continually divided and as Abraham Lincoln stated, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” You can listen with respect of another’s opinions/feelings without bashing them. You are allowed to see the positive in someone else and/or other things without sacrificing your own beliefs. We are able to be a great country again where we don’t spend so much time competing/killing/tearing each other down where instead we are lifting one another up. Simply put is truly is possible to, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Because as it is said, “No other commandment is greater than these.” (Mark 12:31)